Saying you believe something and living like you believe it...

...are two totally different things.  I say I believe and trust God, and know what his word says about trials, his purposes and his sovereign hand; but standing and living on those promises are different than saying you believe them.  I have a sonogram tomorrow.  I try to act really tough and confident- trying to be super excited about possibly finding out if it's a boy or a girl, but in reality, my reality, my sinful, unfaithful natural state, I'm pretty much in "freak out mode."  I don't have the luxury or history of living in the blissful, carefree pregnant state that I so often envy.  I have had way more "bad" sonograms than good ones.  My eyes and my heart automatically scan the screen in a panic mode trying to see movement, a heart beat, anything that says "life" instead of "death."   I know that what ever the outcome of everything God has laid out before me is good, regardless of how it makes my flesh feel, because he is good and I do believe his promises and they have been tested and proved in my own life.  But I am still this fallen creature that tends to want the easy way out, the shortcut, the bed of roses that my flesh longs for on the way to glory.  I have seen the glorious things God does in my life with brokenness and despair.  He makes me to look to him, to cry out to the only one who can help me.  It is not a bitter place to be, it is sweet.  Yet my flesh still presses against it, flees from it.  My prayer is that whether there is weeping or rejoicing in life or death tomorrow, that I would take joy in the God of my salvation and never let my circumstances steal my joy in HIM.

"Grace that is Greater than all My Sin"

Our family just learned that we have lost another child in miscarriage. I just wanted to share some of my struggles through this in hopes that it would help others learn to trust the God most High in all circumstances.

I must first say, sometimes when God is pressing down hard on you and though you know He is doing it in supreme love because His desire would be to conform you into the image of His Son, it still hurts and the weight is sometimes unbearable. I want you to know that in my experience, this is when you cry out to your Father for mercy, and this is exactly what He wants you to do. He wants you to be pushed to a point when you realize nothing or no one else can provide you with what you need, but God. Our greatest example of love and obedience to Him is TRUST. When we believe what He says and we obey, it shows our trust in Him.

I know what He says is true, but I must act in belief. I have had my little “freak out” moments where I know what He says but I have failed to trust in His word. I have had my “what ifs” and I have forgotten that in the trials He’s placed in my life in the past, He has been always truly faithful, not only for my own sake, but mostly for His Name’s sake. He has said He will never leave me or forsake me, and through six miscarriages, He hasn’t left me or forsaken me. He has pulled me through the fire, burning off dross, cleansing my life of sins I would have never been able to see in myself had they not been exposed by tragedies. He has been faithful to love me even though it hurts my flesh, He has done what’s best for me, not want makes my flesh comfortable. I listened to a sermon on Job and Piper explained it very well, I shall paraphrase: “Job was a righteous man, but that did not mean he was without sin. God used Job’s trials to stir up a “sediment” of sin in his life. His waters of his life were clear until he started losing things and then the storm started to stir up the sediment sitting at the bottom of the glass.” When that sediment is stirred up and exposed, then it can be dealt with. On the outside we can appear to “have it all together” and fool ourselves into thinking we are doing just fine, but thanks be to God, He does not leave us in that state of self-righteousness. He sends those storms in our life to expose sin for what it is, and then does what it takes to sanctify our lives for His glory. 1 Peter 1:6 speaks of “various trials.” Each child of God will face a different trial, but each trial has the same purpose, to prove the genuineness of our faith. Glory be to God, He does exactly what needs to be done in my life and yours to conform us into the image of His beautiful Son. John Piper called the precise discipline of the Father on His children,” not the Executioner’s Whip, but the Scalpel of the Loving Surgeon.”

Something else I have learned through this latest loss is that though my heart is hurt and I may be deeply saddened by the loss of another child, what do I have to be most thankful about? The beautiful mystery of Salvation that God so lovingly worked out in my heart and in my life! Am I sad? YES! But, I’m SAVED! Glory! This lesson really led me into a glorious truth that I had not known in my life in this way until now...

We must have a longing for HOME. When God sanctifies us and sets us apart to holiness for Himself, we begin to long for the place of holiness. God places hardships on our lives in this world so that we do not get comfortable here. We ought not find comfort in the world. I have learned this week a deeper longing for Home. I have a new found longing to be with my Father that I did not have before. I praise Him for that. In God’s glorious providence, I was reading a book that spoke of this longing soon after He revealed this in my heart. The dear old saint J.C. Ryle spoke of this world being our “Inn”, we find no rest here, and we ought to be greatly concerned if we do. We ought to grow each and every day in a deeper longing to be with our Lord. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.


I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg, and God has much more to show me and teach me about my abyss of sin and his immeasurable grace to cover it. I pray that by His glorious Spirit, the depths of His written Word, and the love and tenderness of His Bride that I would continue to kiss the rod, for I know it is the ultimate display of His love for me, as His child. I cannot comprehend the vastness of God, that He would give me the ability of love Him and not curse Him, and that He would show me the difference between “Happiness” and “Joy.” Everything will fade and fail, but God and His Word will last forever. May that be our joy. Mark 13:31 Amen.

As Silver Refined

On March 14, 2008 Jim and I went in for another sonogram at almost 8 weeks pregnant and the results confirmed what I had already suspected… The baby did not grow as it should. There was no heartbeat, only a very underdeveloped baby. I had not experienced the extent of morning sickness that I usually do with pregnancy, so I had already had a hunch that things were not going well.

The good news is that upon this loss, I was able to find out that with my only term pregnancy (Dylan), I was actually taking double the hormonal dosage that I have been with these last two pregnancies that ended in miscarriage.
I won’t pretend that I have this all figured out or that I don’t struggle with sorrow or grief, but I have learned through trials and the Word of God that everything that I am told by this world to think and to feel is the complete opposite of the eternal mind-set that God calls us to have.
I feel pressed down hard by God. But the comforting thing is that it is HIS hand that is on me. I can go to the scriptures and see that He is doing this to purify me and conform me to the image of His Son; to make me more like Christ. At this point in my life I feel incredibly loved by God. He loves me enough to do what is best for me, even if it means that I hurt. That is what a true parent does for His child. His hand is moving in my life to give me the greatest good, which is becoming more like Him. Hebrews 12 speaks of the discipline from an earthly father and our heavenly Father: "For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:10-11
I have assurance from His word that in His grand plan, His glory and my good never supersede one another. My good is never at stake for His glory, nor does He sacrifice His glory for my good. They are in a harmonious balance. Everything He does is both for His glory and my good. What a wonderful comfort I can find in that! God’s wonderful plan to truly display His glory to all people includes doing me good all the days of my life.

"…I will not turn away from doing good to them. And I will put the fear of me in their hearts, that they may not turn from me." Jeremiah 32:40b

Have you heard the stories of how they purify gold and silver? They heat the metals up to a heat in which the precious metals are not burnt, but liquefy, at this melting point, the "dross" floats to the top. Dross is all the scum and impurities that are within. They then can scrape the dross off of the top and the outcome is a more pure silver or gold. They do this over and over to create a more pure form. God does the same with His people and the bible testifies to this. The important thing to take note of in the purification process is that the gold or silver is not consumed by the heat, not burnt up. The same thing happens with us, we are heated up so hot to cleanse us of impurities, but not so hot to destroy us. What a beautiful picture of the care God takes in refining us. He cleanses us for our good and for His glory. The old hymn "How firm a foundation" beautifully proclaims this truth:
"When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;The flame shall not hurt thee; I only designThy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine."

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." Romans 8:28-29

Our good that is worked out in His purpose is to conform us to Christ!

"Bless our God, O peoples; let the sound of His praise be heard, who has kept our soul among the living and has not let our feet slip. For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried." Psalm 66:8-10

"… and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, "They are my people’; and they will say,"The Lord is my God." Zechariah 13:9b

"In this you rejoice, thou now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4

Before all of this happened, I decided to purchase 2 new cds. One I knew the songs on, another I didn’t. I couldn’t decide which cd to purchase that I was not familiar with, but I did see one that was a collection of songs based off of an old book of Puritan prayers. I thought that has to be good. Well, I must praise God for inclining me to that purchase. The first song on the CD says it all and exactly what I needed to hear. Here are the words based on a prayer written by an old Puritan hundreds of years ago…
When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where you make me more like Christ
Chorus:
Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley
In the day time, there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see Your radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

Every circumstance you are in is for a purpose. It may be to draw you to God for the first time, or draw you back to Him if you have strayed; it may to make you realize you have a desperate need to be reconciled to God through Jesus Christ. Whatever your circumstance, whatever your trial, my prayer for you is that you would seek after God and feel your desperate need of Him.
It is a glorious thing to rest in God’s sovereignty and power in your life. God grants me the faith to believe upon His word and promises because they are truth and He is truth. That was Jesus’ prayer for you as well. "Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth." John 17:17

When God leads you into the valley, may it be a valley of vision for you, to clearly see His glories. Rightly honor Him by knowing that it is His sovereign hand that leads you to both mountains and valleys and His purpose for those valleys were written before one of your days every began. "… in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." Psalm 139:16b

So based on this Scripture, along with hundreds of others; God not only knows the future; the whole story, the God of that created the universe, wrote the story!
May the magnitude of His glory, knowledge and power cause you to fear Him, revere Him, and long to know Him.

What do you hope in?

If you didn't already know, Jim and I were expecting a baby in mid June 2008. We had a sonogram at 7 weeks and saw a great little heartbeat and began spreading the news. I have had 2 previous miscarriages before Dylan so we waited until we saw a heartbeat to share. I went in on Tuesday, November 20th for my 10/11 week sonogram and saw no heartbeat this time and the growth chart showed that the baby died about a week prior to the sonogram. We are so sad, but it is here that the glory of God comes in. You see, apart from Christ, I would be a mad and bitter person cursing God for what has happened. I mean, I have lost 3 babies! Is that fair? Let me tell you something, you don't want fair. Fair is that we have all sinned against a holy and righteous God and deserve death and hell. (Romans 3:23-26) He is given me, and you, if you are living and breathing right now, grace to live another day. If you have not given your whole life over time him, it is only a matter of time until you get "fair." I know that I may sound harsh but I am going to use everything that God has given me to urge you to come to Him. I plead with you for your life. It doesn't matter whether you believe in God or Hell, this is real. If you stood in the middle of the interstate and said I don't believe in Mack trucks and an 18 wheeler came barreling at you, it would still hit you and you would still die. Jim and I love all of you and we urge you to seek the LORD. You see, because I have Christ and hope for eternal life, I don't hope in the things of this earth, I know that this isn't all there is. I don't have to hold on to relationships and possessions to give me a sense of security. Those things will pass away; men and women in your life will fail you. But Christ will not...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I can look to God in prayer and in His Word for my hope and for things sure.

"We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain," Hebrews 6:19. So often when we say "I hope" it means something other than what God and Scripture says hope means. My hope is SURE and an ANCHOR. It's is not something fleeting and unattainable. My hope is built on Christ who created the heavens and the earth. I have nothing to fear when my hope is built on Him.

I can then turn to:

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

I can look at the above verse and I know that God is bigger than me and he is using my trials or more specifically, my miscarriages for my good, and probably yours—He is given me an urgency to share with you about Him and His greatness. I know that He works all things for my good, but do you have this assurance? Do you realize that everything happens for a reason? You do understand that before the dawn of time, God would ordain that you read this blog by me? That you would sit down and read from my experiences and more importantly God's word, so that you may know Him who created you? That you could possibly come to Christ? I know that He is using this loss in my life to draw me closer to Him, but also so that you may see in my life what it means to be a child of God. That you would be amazed that someone who has been through what I have been through and what I am going through and see me point to Christ and His glories? I know that without Him I could not respond in rejoicing in Him, but I would be self-centered and angry. But because of Him I have set my eyes on what's above. So that you may see how truly life changing He is.

Yes, I am so sad, I miss my baby and I would have liked this to never happen, but I can rejoice in the fact that God is refining me into His image with this and I can know that greater things are in store for me because of His love and purpose. If just one of you stops to consider your life and eternity because of my situation, it was all worth it. I am still hurting, but I can also rejoice in the fact that God is in control and He never once lost control in my life, He knows what He's doing and will do a much better job than myself (that is an understatement!)

I am so thankful to God for enabling me to say with Job:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

He is God, He knows what's best and whether He gives or He takes, I will bless His name, by the grace of God.

So I urge you, to examine yourself, seek after God and His Word and ask yourself the important questions. What/Who am I living for? If it isn't Christ, you must do something about it. Plead with the Lord to change your heart and its desires. Only He can. Don't put your hope in earthly things, place your hope in that sure anchor that is Christ.
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world.
And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever." 1John 2:15-17