Our family just learned that we have lost another child in miscarriage. I just wanted to share some of my struggles through this in hopes that it would help others learn to trust the God most High in all circumstances.
I must first say, sometimes when God is pressing down hard on you and though you know He is doing it in supreme love because His desire would be to conform you into the image of His Son, it still hurts and the weight is sometimes unbearable. I want you to know that in my experience, this is when you cry out to your Father for mercy, and this is exactly what He wants you to do. He wants you to be pushed to a point when you realize nothing or no one else can provide you with what you need, but God. Our greatest example of love and obedience to Him is TRUST. When we believe what He says and we obey, it shows our trust in Him.
I know what He says is true, but I must act in belief. I have had my little “freak out” moments where I know what He says but I have failed to trust in His word. I have had my “what ifs” and I have forgotten that in the trials He’s placed in my life in the past, He has been always truly faithful, not only for my own sake, but mostly for His Name’s sake. He has said He will never leave me or forsake me, and through six miscarriages, He hasn’t left me or forsaken me. He has pulled me through the fire, burning off dross, cleansing my life of sins I would have never been able to see in myself had they not been exposed by tragedies. He has been faithful to love me even though it hurts my flesh, He has done what’s best for me, not want makes my flesh comfortable. I listened to a sermon on Job and Piper explained it very well, I shall paraphrase: “Job was a righteous man, but that did not mean he was without sin. God used Job’s trials to stir up a “sediment” of sin in his life. His waters of his life were clear until he started losing things and then the storm started to stir up the sediment sitting at the bottom of the glass.” When that sediment is stirred up and exposed, then it can be dealt with. On the outside we can appear to “have it all together” and fool ourselves into thinking we are doing just fine, but thanks be to God, He does not leave us in that state of self-righteousness. He sends those storms in our life to expose sin for what it is, and then does what it takes to sanctify our lives for His glory. 1 Peter 1:6 speaks of “various trials.” Each child of God will face a different trial, but each trial has the same purpose, to prove the genuineness of our faith. Glory be to God, He does exactly what needs to be done in my life and yours to conform us into the image of His beautiful Son. John Piper called the precise discipline of the Father on His children,” not the Executioner’s Whip, but the Scalpel of the Loving Surgeon.”
Something else I have learned through this latest loss is that though my heart is hurt and I may be deeply saddened by the loss of another child, what do I have to be most thankful about? The beautiful mystery of Salvation that God so lovingly worked out in my heart and in my life! Am I sad? YES! But, I’m SAVED! Glory! This lesson really led me into a glorious truth that I had not known in my life in this way until now...
We must have a longing for HOME. When God sanctifies us and sets us apart to holiness for Himself, we begin to long for the place of holiness. God places hardships on our lives in this world so that we do not get comfortable here. We ought not find comfort in the world. I have learned this week a deeper longing for Home. I have a new found longing to be with my Father that I did not have before. I praise Him for that. In God’s glorious providence, I was reading a book that spoke of this longing soon after He revealed this in my heart. The dear old saint J.C. Ryle spoke of this world being our “Inn”, we find no rest here, and we ought to be greatly concerned if we do. We ought to grow each and every day in a deeper longing to be with our Lord. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg, and God has much more to show me and teach me about my abyss of sin and his immeasurable grace to cover it. I pray that by His glorious Spirit, the depths of His written Word, and the love and tenderness of His Bride that I would continue to kiss the rod, for I know it is the ultimate display of His love for me, as His child. I cannot comprehend the vastness of God, that He would give me the ability of love Him and not curse Him, and that He would show me the difference between “Happiness” and “Joy.” Everything will fade and fail, but God and His Word will last forever. May that be our joy. Mark 13:31 Amen.
